Awesome jokes!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

What you got?

That's pretty good.

Let me trawl through my archives...

When I get on the other computer .

hmmmmmm are sexist/ jokes of a sensual nature accepted ????????

Meanwhile these are the top 20 things you don't want to hear while having surgery.
20. OK, I've got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is we named a new disease after him...

19. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing. HAHAHA...I really get a kick outta saying that...

18. Doesn’t this remind you of the time we played that game of Operation?

17. Hey! Give that back! There’s no law against drinking in the operating room...

16. Thank god for malpractice insurance!

15. Look Ma, no hands!

14. Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kinda system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on...

13. Well, on the bright side, I just saved money on my car insurance...

12. Oh yeah? Well, I think unconscious DOES mean consent...

11. Oh, don't look so down...after all...in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and...SNAP! The job's a game...

10. I don't CARE if you've never been to med school...

9. What do you think, 4.99 a pound?

8. I’ve seen his bank balance, and my recommended treatment is euthanasia.

7. OOOH – wouldn’t this be a great setting for a porno movie?

6. What’s that big beating thing in his chest?

5. Look on the bright side, at least his wife won’t have to worry about getting pregnant...

4. (sings) The left vein’s connected to the...right aorta...the left brain’s connected to the..stomach bone...

3. Wait...I just finished, and...you’re telling me this WASN’T a sex change???

2. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?

1. Alright...today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor

There're some good one's there .

Twilight is AWESOME

haha I crack myself up

A couple of so-called 'funniest jokes':
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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This one was computer-generated:
"What kind of murderer has moral fibre?" — "A cereal killer."